Loss. It’s a feeling of loss. You might say grief, but it’s not as deep as that. Melancholy? Sure, but maybe with a touch of regret - or is it resentment? Both are certainly present, whether or not they’re in this particular mix.
Today is my mother’s Birthday, which now occurs 3 days after the anniversary of her death. She would have been 93 - closing in on that century mark. Is she even of this time anymore?
This morning Françoise Cactus, from the band Stereo Total passed away. Age 57 - 2 years my junior - breast cancer. Stereo Total is the band I always made sure to see whenever they were in town - which seemed to be every couple of years. The duo had a niche popularity, playing the clubs not the ballrooms or stadiums - with their stripped down instruments barely a step up from street musicians. They toyed with genres, had a quirky sense of humor, and they were best seen live. I was looking forward to seeing them again, convincing more friends to join me in my fandom.
The pandemic put things on pause - but not everything. Lives went on despite their truncated experiences. Business have closed that will never come back, other illnesses progressed, entropy continued and the time that would be spent with other events, concerts, readings, or adventures was spent waiting, sheltering in place, mostly isolated. This is the loss I felt today, the erosion of time, getting older with nothing to show for it.
Spending the evening listening to Stereo Total I have to remember the flip side - to experience loss you must have something first to lose. I’m grateful for the music, the joy it makes me feel - even today. I’m grateful for all the artists, musicians, performers who have added so much to my life. I’m grateful for my friends who have shared in so many adventures, connections, and experiences. Gratitude balances the melancholy.
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