March 31, 2020

March 31, 2020 

Today I’m struck by the conspiracy theories: this was all a Chinese plot, that the virus is a hoax, that somehow it’s 5G that’s really causing all the deaths. I wonder why there needs to be some evil mastermind behind it all, but then I get it - if it is part of some evil plot, that alone implies there is someone or some group in control - and that if we can unmask them, we can ourselves take control of the situation. Much harder is it to grasp that this is all part of the random chaos of the universe, a universe indifferent to our efforts, suffering, or intent. 

The thought that we can actually can take control whether by science or by God is comforting. That evil exists means that we ourselves can be good. We need enemies to be heroes. Otherwise nothing matters, or rather the implications of our actions become less clear and more ambiguous. We are not in control - but if someone else is, demon or god, we stand a chance of regaining it.

March 30, 2020

March 30, 2020 

A successful day, we finally scored some toilet paper at Costco - of course the one unit of purchase is more toilet paper than we use in a season and have no place to store - but the toilet paper FOMO is over. Likely this means this crisis is over as it was acquired in the early evening and so already had time to be picked clean by the folks who rent shipping containers for just such a purpose. 

Also we had our first Social Distancing dinner party - which is to say we picked up some pizza and invited our friends to sit in our front yard and dine with us on the other side of our porch wall. We had to pause conversation when delivery trucks came by, but otherwise it was nice to chat with our neighbors and catch up in real time even if we kept ourselves apart. At the end of all this we will either abhor or crave physical contact with our friend and trace both back to this moment.

March 29, 2020

March 29, 2020 

Today I shopped for the pets, while still keeping my eye out for toilet paper. Lines seem to be part of shopping now - seems in the end capitalism now resembles soviet style communism as we chase the various shortages. 

I made some progress clearing weeds fin the backyard, perhaps we’ll be able to enjoy a glass of something there by summer. Meanwhile Lisa’s starting sewing face masks which is a far greater contribution than anything I’m doing. Tomorrow starts week three of work from home with no real end in sight. 14 Days, a fortnight, a renewed unit of measure for these times. Still curious what this will look like when it’s over, or when it’s absorbed into our daily living. The patterns will slowly emerge I’m sure, some are probably already here as we continue to adapt. Here’s to the new week.

March 28, 2020

March 28, 2020 

Two weeks in and still trying to find the new rhythm - work has its cycles and was the easiest to adapt. The dogs and cats, the same - walks, meals, naps. But everything’s else, particularly the bits in-between like...Podcasts? 

At an hour each way to and from work it was the ideal time to listen to these spoken word gems. But now? The ones I listen to require to much thought to be able to do while I’m working and I’ve converted my morning commute time to sleep. Perhaps I should just take some time out of the day to sit in my car and listen for an hour or so? How do the rest of you fit your podcasts in? My subscriptions are piling up like unread New Yorkers. Tell me how you manage. Perhaps if I can work this one out I can move on to the disruptive challenge of shopping.

March 27, 2020

March 27, 2020 

We were supposed to travel to Paris today - and as little as 3 weeks ago as the Louve shut down temporarily and groups larger than 500 were not allowed, we still thought we would make it. And is the Instagram feeds came in showing the paltry lines to the most touristy of Parisian tourist traps it almost seemed an ideal time to be going - we’d have the city for ourselves, and honestly we already did the big tourist attractions and were looking more forward to just lounging in cafés. But changes came just as fast there as it did here and borders started to close. 

There’s a joke that asks, “How do you make God laugh?” - “you tell him your plans” - so yeah, while disappointed there is some much else going on right now, and honestly we can try again in the Fall - or later if need be. We’re home for right now - and that’s okay.

March 26, 2020

March 26, 2020 

14 days ago I brought Lisa to the hospital thinking she had COVID-19. She was admitted tested and placed in isolation. I figured I’d be self-quarantine do for the next 14 days and then I would return to work. Quite a lot happened in these 14 days and I won’t be going to work tomorrow - or rather, I won’t be going into the office. I will be logging in to my team and putting in my 8 hours. 14 days ago, Lisa thought she might be the third person diagnosed with the Corona virus in Long Beach. Her test came back negative but now there are 41 cases in Long Beach, and USA moves ahead of China for most total cases with over 85k - all in a fortnight - the world has already been transformed.

March 25, 2020

March 25, 2020 

I think we’re on the verge of a shift in the way we perceive the virus. Up it has been a mostly abstract experience - an intellectual exercise. The numbers rise, we see the exponential curve. Yes the numbers are concerning but those numbers will quickly be upstaged as individuals start to emerge from the statistics. We already know famous persons, or personal acquaintances that have been diagnosed, but soon we will start to hear about those who have died. One percent seems like a trivial amount, but when you consider our social networks hover around 200 people, we will likely know someone personally who will die from this virus. In Italy today 1 in 10 cases diagnosed have died. 

These thoughts weighed on me as I took our dogs on their late night walk - a cold, windy, and unforgiving night. Brooding I was - and then as we cross the street to make our way home, my neighbor steps out of the darkness, and offers me some red wine from a bottle he’d just opened. We chatted about the uncertainty, the bad things coming, but also of the time after, when we all get past this moment. As much as I can get lost in the despair, there’s still hope. There’s a neighbor willing share a nice red, some conversation, and shared community. There is still much to be grateful for, a moment to take pleasure in, and so I end the day in hope - whatever else may come.

March 24, 2020

March 24, 2020 

We hit the CVS and Albertsons today - still no sign of toilet paper. The longer this continues the likelier I’ll be joining the ranks of the hoarders. 

Also today I encountered way more people on my dog walk than ever before. Families, kids, couples, even the folks that just usually let their dogs out in the yard. The outdoors have become more compelling - as long as 6 feet of distance is maintained between wandering parties. 

There are fears of economic collapse and yet in spending as much of not more on most everything - even supporting the local restaurants by getting To-go orders. I’m not spending money on gas, on transportation, on shows - of those it’s the artists that are worst off, but in the interim I’ve been trying to buy small pieces, send contributions when I can. I won’t be traveling, that’s where I’m mostly not spending money - so is that the economy we hope to save? I’m lucky to still be working, so I don’t mean to make light of this but can we get by thinking a little differently about what we value, and where our money goes. 

 I’m also thinking about tribalism. I posted an article about the conflict between the individual and the collective and how it has shaped our politics, but as people have responded about how they are focusing more on being more “individualistic” they all mention a larger group that those notions include. It may be limited like to close family or friends - but even when we think we are thinking only of ourselves, we seem to include others. Perhaps the point in between is our personal tribes, the groups we identify with. They could be race, religion, or political affiliation - but can also be favorite films, a sports franchise, a cell phone brand. We define ourselves by the groups we belong to - our collective individuality. Diversity is required if we hope to be unique. And diversity is required if the collective is to survive. More rambling for another time.

March 23,2020

March 23, 2020 

Today it was back to work and the new routine, only we opted to take a long lunch and see what shopping we could get done at Trader Joe’s. Food wise we got pretty much everything we needed, but it seems toilet paper and paper towels remain elusive. We’re ok for the moment but will need to restock by the end of the week. Apparently we will need to hit the markets at opening to make that happen. Sigh. I guess the hoarding continues. 

Meanwhile I continue to assemble my soundtrack for the apocalypse and I’ve come to realize that this is becoming the soundtrack that will be played when I pass. Strangely enough, one of the appointments we had to cancel for the week was with an estate planner. Mortality looms and I’m still unprepared but at least I’ll have a playlist at the end of all this.

March 22, 2020

March 22, 2020 

Lisa’s tests finally came back and she’s negative for COVID-19. Great news, of course last week, when she first tested, a negative result would have meant no need for personal quarantine - but now? Well, now we just had a jump on what everyone else is going through right now for the next 14+ days. Except Lisa could now leave the house, so we drove downtown for take out dinner tonight - we’ll enjoy that luxury while it lasts. 

Everything has evolved so quickly. When I first called in to explain the situation, I was told I wasn’t authorized to work from home, that I had to take vacation time, sick leave or file for FMLA. By the end of the week I was dialing in to status meetings and virtual conference calls with my colleagues and my boss, most of whom were now not allowed to work in our office. Every day is new as we figure out the new routine. 

So tonight I think of resilience, of our ability to rapidly adapt - but also our need to cling to our old ways even as their absurdity gets pointed out to us. We are transforming hopefully will find a way to hold on to the ways that made us better.

March 21, 2020

March 21, 2020 

I appreciate the weekend more than the weekend on “safe in place”. While I like the opportunity to work from home, my particular version involves using this stopwatch like app that I have to click on and off while I am working to make sure I’m putting in my 8 hours, tracking the time spent on each task within my scheduled work hours - I must maintain my productivity. Anyway I’m glad it’s the weekend. 

No great projects today though I’ve been admiring the works of several. I did however get to read more of the plague which is starting to seem like a user manual for these times. I’m constantly amazed that this work from the last century remains so relevant. Then again have we humans really changed that much? We are still troubled by the same fears and flaws as always. 

Philosophy often criticized as a discipline that never shows any progress - and perhaps that’s because we ourselves have failed to progress. Sure there are advances in technology, and it seems we’ve gotten better about representation - but those advances have never seemed more tenuous now, as people seek comfort in totalitarianism. The pendulum continues to swing. 

Meanwhile, we’re making do pairing red wine with gas station chocolates - grateful for both.

March 20, 2020

March 20, 2020 

I gave up last night. As the inevitable word came down that California would go Into lockdown - or “safer in place” all I wanted to do was see my friends - and drink heavily. So I did. I left the dishes, didn’t walk the dog and let my 77 consecutive days of trying to learn French lapse. Why bother, I thought as I climbed into bed - that next stage of “depression” seems to have finally caught up to me. 

Today, I clean up the mess I left for myself. Return to my virtual office to pretend that I’m still contributing something. I’m actually looking forward to the weekend now in this timeless place. 

My dog walks are taking longer now as people venture onto their porches to exchange news of our lives, who is in the hospital, and who is getting out, or the various tasks we’ve taken on to mark the time, movies watched, appliances cleaned, cocktails consumed. 

I’m trying to focus on gratitude - and there’s plenty to be grateful for: my friends who strive to stay connected, my community that’s finding ways to provide for one another, that I have a job that allows me to work from home. But this will be a long journey, and I’ll stumble from time to time, just need to remember to get back up and keep going - that rock isn’t going to push itself up the hill.

March 18, 2020

March 18, 2020 

Exhausted today, or maybe it’s exhaustion over the accumulations of the week. Lisa home, me working from home - the first full day of the new normal. Still I can’t keep from speculating about what may come next, how long this will last, and what lessons we may take from it. 

It’s amazing to see how quickly the environment has changed to meet our withdrawal. Air pollution levels drop in China, dolphins and swans exploring the canals of Venice - and here in LA, wide open roads inviting some sort of Beat Poet adventure - at least in our fantasy. 

I’m also struck by many of our local hangouts transforming themselves to better serve the community. I’ve ordered freshly baked bread from the Beerlab, our local ice cream parlor will deliver pints of craft ice cream to our door. The is still so much luxury to be found mostly because there are people here invested in the community. It’s strange that we’re all in a sort of existential crisis, many business as well as many people will not survive, but for the moment we’re celebrating our lives with gratitude and authenticity - that - is a blessing.

March 17, 2020

March 17, 2020

Lisa is finally back home and I am grateful to no longer have to have that ambiguity on top of all the other ambiguities of this time. Of course we’re still waiting for the elusive test results - but that doesn’t seem to matter much anymore. 

Right now I’m struck by the universality of this global experience. As I browse my Instagram feed I see everyone, from nation to nation sharing in how they are coping - Justin Trudeau’s home office while he waits the 14 days to be clear; an Italian vaudeville performer conducting aerobic classes for those stuck inside; a French photographer’s stack of novels to read; an English philosopher heading for refuge outside the city. Has there ever been such a shared experience in our lifetime? We will all have a story to share about what we did during the Corona virus outbreak. 

It’s interesting contrasted to the recent growth of nationalism, where each country attempts to stand separately and above all others. The virus ignores all borders and takes a dearer price from those who deny its presence. 

The optimist in me hopes we learn a lesson in this, that we are still connected despite our differences and geographic placement. As we start to really deal with climate change we’ll need to keep this in mind or even greater crises and disasters are before us. But even if we don’t , nature will still prevail and move ahead without us.

March 16, 2020

March 16, 2020 

Waiting. Again with the waiting. Not the “getting on with you life” while you wait for something to happen, but the suspension of life because things are about to change. 

I was certain Lisa would come home today, so I waited for the call. Calls came, and we had several conversations but not the one I was waiting for - the “come get me” call the “bring me home so we can get through this shit together” call - the “pour me a glass of whiskey” call... 

It should come tomorrow. It should have come yesterday. But I’ll wait for now and will be grateful when it comes.

March 15,2020

March 15, 2020 

Still waiting - and as I wait I’ve been thinking of the Kübler-Ross stages of Grief model, that tracks our emotional reactions to loss and change starting with denial moving ultimately to acceptance. It seems as a society we are still stuck in the early stages: 

1) Denial - “the corona virus isn’t that bad for most people, heck the flu is even worse” 

2) Anger - “why are the letting these people in?” or in my case, “where the fuck are the test kits” 

3) Bargaining - “if I wash my hands and limit my contact we’ll come through this okay” or “if I stock up on enough supplies, I can ride this through.” 

The next stage though, number 4), is depression and as two weeks pass and we find we still need more time, I fear for the lonely, the isolated, and the despair that has yet to hit - we will all feel it, and hopefully as it happens we can find ways to comfort each other to get us to the last stage...

Number 5) Acceptance - we’ll be building a new world then, there will be opportunities along with great losses. I hope we all make it there together.

March 14, 2020

March 14, 2020 

I started reading Camus’ the Plague and am finding it ridiculously relevant. One of the classic titles that somehow I missed and was still allowed a BA in philosophy. Add it to the pile of works I should have read well before my 58th year. I bought it because we were going to Paris and I thought it an ironic take, which of course now is embarrassing to mention. So here trip cancelled, I read and know this is exactly the book I need to read now. 

I had errands to run today, vet visit, get food for the dogs, maybe see if the panic buying had ceased. So I ended up at Trader Joe’s to see its shelves and freezers emptied. I found it easy to joke with the employees about the absurdity of it all, as I did with the nurses yesterday - it’s hard not to laugh about it a sort of selbst-schadenfreude, gallows humor, we’re dancing at the end of the world, the recognition that something is beyond our control so no longer have to worry about it. 

But here we are, our actions have consequences that we may never understand or even witness. We try to do the right thing even as we struggle to figure out exactly what that is. May our choices serve us and the greater good (if that exists) and allow us the pleasure of sharing our stories.

March 13, 2020

March 13, 2020 

There’s a meme out there about being kind, because you never know what other people are going through - it seems right now everyone is going through something - cancelled plans, lost work, disrupted lives in so many ways. It’s almost safe to assume there is a sort of global suffering going on right now, a suffering that makes kindness stand out as an imperative. 

Lisa remains in the hospital in isolation. I got to talk to her this morning, on our phones, separated by a pane of glass. The staff is struggling to work out the details of this process as we struggle to understand it ourselves. We both remain kind in the hopes we are setting precedents - that we will get through it together, and be better people for it, recognizing our humanity and vulnerability. 

As all this started to unfold, I wondered how we can keep our community as we slip into our own isolation. Today, I saw several videos of the people of Italy under lockdown joining in song on balconies and window ledges, and it made me hopeful again for what we can accomplish together. If you haven’t seen it, you must seek it out especially if you are feeling overwhelmed by the suffering. May we remember this after the suffering passes.

March 12,2020

March 12, 2020 

I value experiences over things and yet, here we are concerts, events, gatherings, vacations are all cancelled. We aren’t supposed to have any experiences right now, especially shared experiences - at least in real life. 

 Then again, I’m having very real experiences, face to face with the problem. I’m afraid and also a bit angry. I’d like to think this was avoidable but we all knew this was coming, we just thought we would be better prepared - and I’m not talking about running out of toilet paper.

March 11, 2020

March 11, 2020  

I hate That the corona virus still dominates my thoughts, but today it looks like our trip to Paris will be cancelled. I’m also receiving cancellation notices for shows we were going to see, and waiting to see if one of the shows in Paris we were going to see is going to be cancelled since the venue exceeds the 1000 person limit note set in France. This week would have been the sweet spot, all the museums open, no lines, and a public looking for someone still clinging to their joie de vivre. But I look to Italy to see what’s next and it’s closure of all small shops cafes, and restaurants. The landscape will likely change in the coming weeks. I fear we missed an opportunity. 

Of course the right and ethical thing to do is pull back and let this pass, but it’s hard not to feel disappointed or bitter - especially when during this time we have a president that can still jet off to play golf.

March 10, 2020

March 10, 2020  

The day is dominated by the corona virus - becoming more disruptive as social events are cancelled, the conferences, the concerts, the lectures, the classes. We are no longer allowed to interact face to face. So here we are Facebook, Instagram, Twitter - you’ve taught us to pose, to brand, to curate, and once upon a time to connect and not just monetize - can we take back this medium or do we wait, hibernate, shelter in place till we can actually be with others again, without fear, but vulnerable just the same.

March 9, 2020

March 9, 2020 

Daylight savings, morning in darkness. Conscious around 10 when the coffee ran out. Grey sky’s for the promised daylightbut the Lingering twilight left enough space for an additional cocktail before walking the dogs. 

I’m waiting now. Waiting for the news that our plans can go on - even if altered just a little. So now I seem to be trapped somewhere between being and becoming. It might just be the right time to read Camus again.

March 8, 2020

March 8, 2020 

Helped make some kumquat marmalade today. My friends have been hosting this event awhile now as each season their tree yields even more fruit. Mostly I go to see my friends in person - social media only goes so far, but I like that this takes place at the whim of a tree which perhaps predictable in a way, still doesn’t always sync precisely to a clock or calendar. 

 One of the things I seen to notice more as I get older is the way time moves in nature. I follow the planets, the phases of the moon, but also the growing tallness of the trees in our yard, the annual bloom of the Mexican primrose, the spiders making their webs in fall, waves rolling against the shore. It delights me to sense the rhythm of these things, the breath and heartbeat of the universe.

March 7, 2020

March 7, 2020

Had brunch at Beachwood Brewery & BBQ and had a great dopplebock. I love getting brunch on the weekends, but we usually eat late and then feel compelled to take a nap - which is also a good thing except that it pretty much prevents me from doing anything productive for the day. I paid some bills and took note of the weeds that needed to be pulled - perhaps later in the week as the sun sets later...

Not looking forward to getting up an hour early on Monday, thankfully tomorrow there are no early commitments and the weeds will likely stay another day.

March 6, 2020

March 6, 2020

I’ve completed 67 days of Duolingo in a row, trying to learn as much French as I can before we get to Paris. I’ve learned a lot, but there is so much more to learn. Not sure if I’ll keep this up after I return but would love to read some of The existentialists in their original tongue.

I’ve had a persistent cough for weeks which my doctor has attributed as a side effect of one of the medications I’m taking. I’ve been off it for awhile but I’m told this may linger for a month. Not great in these times of Covid 19. Meanwhile I get some extra space when I commute on the Blue Line.

I got our last girls scout cookies of the season tonight outside 7th & Metro. Currently pairing Samoas with cognac - chin chin

March 5, 2020

March 5, 2020

We ran out of olives so I’ve been making Gibsons - perhaps it’s a 60’s sitcom cliché but I’ve come to really enjoy a post work cocktail.

I know it’s just one step above an imaginary friend but I’ve come to enjoy some of my para-social relationships especially those in overlapping social networks. I’ve been discovering some great sites to see in Paris by following a group of Parisian friends - I guess that’s what influencers do.

Thursday’s always seem like they should be Fridays - a night I can stay up late and sleep in the next morning. I’m usually done for the week by day 4, and yet I’ve got one more day to stick to my routine before I can really indulge - deferred gratification.

March 4, 2020

March 4, 2020

Not thrilled About Biden, but the election is still young. I just want Trump's  reign to end.

Not worried about the corona virus, but worried about the fear. Still planning to go to Paris at the end of the month but worried about flight cancellations, closures, and quarantines. On the other hand I’m also day dreaming about sitting at some cafe while civilization collapses around us- Parisian Totten-Tanz - going to read some Camus.