July 17, 2020

July 17, 2020 

Today is Disneyland’s 65th Birthday. It’s closed today and I’m thankful for that. At the end of last year after being away from the park for so long, I made going to Disneyland today one of my resolutions. Of course at the time I made that pledge, I was thinking back some 15 and longer years ago when we got annual passes and started to meet other pass holders and cast members on message boards. Before long, Disneyland became the center of my social life, visiting weekly, meeting up with an ever growing diverse group of friends, many of whom I continue to be close to. 

I miss those days and so hoped I could capture a bit of that nostalgia and magic if I were to return today. But things changed. For a moment it looked like this might be the day Disneyland reopened, and I thought about going - not for the nostalgia, but rather as a check box, to be able to say I was there and to report on what would be a much darker version than of my original imagination. I would have gone, just to leave and be able to talk about it. So I’m glad I didn’t have to do that and I can wait another 5 or 10 years till I feel compelled again. 

I still miss the people, the friends who would have spent the day with me. We still are in touch through Facebook, zoom, and sometimes even that antiquated message board we put up when we realized as much as Disneyland was the thing that brought us together, we had far more interesting things to share. I wish I could be getting together in person with those people, share a drink in the hotel bar, stand in line for a ride, or spend an hour outside a restroom trying to decide on the next thing to do. It’s the company I miss, and it’s hard not to feel that when such a marker hits.

July 9, 2020

July 9, 2020 

Skin hunger - could there be a more poetic term? I’ve seen it used in reference to social distancing and how we’ve all been avoiding touch. No hugs, no handshakes - and while we can see each other in chat screens, or masked at 6 feet, contact continues to be avoided, shopping left on the porch, or placed in your car by someone gloved. Skin hunger - the longing for touch. 

I’m lucky, I’ve got Lisa, and while she may be doing overnights at the moment I see her everyday and get those moments of touch - the hug and kiss before she leaves, but also that causal incidental touch of passing objects between us, moving between narrow doorways, or just the simple lean. I’ve also become acutely aware of how our pets also crave contact, the dogs press into me every chance they get, and honestly I’ve never appreciated it as much as I have now. Friends, I’ve only seen and heard. Strangers - on rare occasion, by accident - hand brushing against hand as I pass on my card for what should have been a contactless transaction. A blush, a recoil, an apologetic glance. But there is also a longing for that shoulder tap to get your attention, the press of hand to interrupt your motion, or that kick under the table to stop you from telling that story again. 

Most of us are visual, fewer aural, and an even a smaller portion of us tactile in the way we primarily engage the world. Still, we rely on all our senses and are now realizing how important yet subtle we use touch to engage the world and navigate our relationships. Skin hunger, when will we feed that again?

July 3, 2020

July 3, 2020 

Up late making potato salad for tomorrow’s social distancing BBQ - my mom’s recipe, so halfway through I had to pull out one of my mom’s wine glasses and give myself a generous pour from the box. Cheers mom, I wish you were here - but then again the way things have evolved recently you’d be reliving your wartime memories, so perhaps it is best that you now Rest In Peace - just know there are still moments that you’re here with me. 

With Lisa doing overnights I’m living a weird double life. She leaves at Nine at I suddenly have a burst of productivity, doing those chores I’ve been avoiding all day, dishes, laundry, etc. But lately I’ve also been falling down the Sound Cloud rabbit hole. It usually starts with an Instagram post from some random person I follow in France, Belgium, or Japan - some musical link that catches my ear, that I’ll Shazam or look up and follow a trail - the genres are not limited so I’m listening to Eurorap with Billie Brelok, New French pop with SuperBravo, or contemporary punk with Lungbutter. Regardless, I can’t seem to get enough new music, and so I find myself drifting into the next day with absolutely no regrets. 

We’ve been relaxing our quarantine lately, we’ve eaten out now in a couple places even while it seems that option will be restricted once again - and honestly probably should. Still I’m missing the brunches and dinner parties we used to have and that play of group Solidarity mixed with intimate tête-à-têtes. Tomorrow we’ll spend the afternoon with some friends and neighbors - cocktails, BBQ, conversation - to fill some of that gap.