June 29, 2021

June 29, 2021 

This morning I woke to see one of our scrub jays perched outside my bedroom window. I couldn’t help but think he to was welcoming me home after our week-long trip. The dogs and cats gleefully made their welcome last night as soon as we walked through the door, and now compete for our laps, or the opportunity to press against us while they nap. 

I put fresh nuts out for the Jays and they returned with squawks of joy, each showing me the nut they had chosen before flying it off to their secret stash, before they get discovered by the backyard squirrel. 

The rhythm of the house restored.

June 6, 2021

June 6, 2021 

I know the pandemic has changed me, but I’m not entirely sure how - at least not yet. Will the openness inspire me to take on new adventures, or will it make me cautious and reluctant? Will I find ways to meet new people, forge new connections, or withdraw into myself and my close intimates? 

 I know I want to celebrate the vaccinations, the social occasions, the occupation of public spaces - but I’m also reluctant. Steeped in my habits of isolation I’m not sure who I am in the company of others. For the moment I seem more voyeur than participant, there’s an ideal out there is like to emulate but uncertain if I can pull it off. At some point I will have to jump in and find out.

May 16, 2021

Is it over? I spent most of yesterday with a group of friends I last saw all together 14 months ago. Unmasked, we hugged - and hugged again, shared our stories and picked up where we left off. At one point I was searching for some photos of a past gathering and was rather surprised to see how many things can happen in a year, an ordinary year. 

Today we saw (participated?) in a theater event at UCLA - A Thousand Ways by 600 Highwaymen - a unique and fascinating experience on its own. But returning to Royce Hall, the windy drive up Sunset, and pulling into a silent empty campus was other-worldly. COVID restrictions still in play - we were still participating in theater, a live performance.

We’re not there yet, but things are returning. And while I have moments of anxiety - do I still connect with my friends? Can I share my darker thoughts, will I recognize this stranger again and will she recognize me? - I take comfort in the deep breaths that fog my glasses, the muffled voices behind the facemasks, and how they will dissolve into the memories of this time - when it is over.

May 13, 2021

May 13, 2021 

In another transition phase - as the vaccinated have mask restrictions relaxed we seem one step closer to the post-pandemic world. This weekend I’ll be hanging out with a group of friends that I haven’t hung out with in 14 months. Dinner parties are possible again. 

Meanwhile, I still work from home with no sense of when or even if that is going to change - and as much as I miss my lunchtime strolls downtown, I’m hoping this change sticks for a little longer. 

I’m excited to see my friends again, to have real time conversations in real life. But honestly, the things we used during this time to keep in touch, video calls, texts, emails, sometimes even pen and ink - need to continue. It’s all too easy to think we’ll see someone again soon enough - and begin the slow drift from friend to stranger. There’s nothing like face to face but so many ways to stay connected and make sure those sweet moments happen.

April 11, 2021

April 11, 2021

Spent the evening on LinkedIn for the first time in I don’t know how long. What a strange alternate universe, presenting our “professional” selves overly conscious of our “Branding” and entirely inauthenticity. And yet, there I am looking at updating my profile, tweaking my job history to make me look more attractive to future potential hiring supervisors - hating every moment. 

But I browse the cliches, the “out of the box thinkers,” the “entrepreneurs,” - all the things we are supposed to value, but really don’t. Still we build our facades in the hopes that no one will really look through them to judge us with any accuracy. There is always Twitter to display our snarky hot takes, Facebook to enumerate and demarcate the boundaries of our tribe. Instagram for our fantasy life come true. 

But is it really any different - from the high school clubs joined to get into a better college, the clothes we wear to also signal our status and subculture. Social media gets a lot of blame for perpetuating our inauthenticity, but we’re we ever really “authentic” in the first place. Then again who are we if not our aspirations and our fantasies - that liminal angst between being and becoming, the shortcomings we hope to overcome.