April 11, 2021

April 11, 2021

Spent the evening on LinkedIn for the first time in I don’t know how long. What a strange alternate universe, presenting our “professional” selves overly conscious of our “Branding” and entirely inauthenticity. And yet, there I am looking at updating my profile, tweaking my job history to make me look more attractive to future potential hiring supervisors - hating every moment. 

But I browse the cliches, the “out of the box thinkers,” the “entrepreneurs,” - all the things we are supposed to value, but really don’t. Still we build our facades in the hopes that no one will really look through them to judge us with any accuracy. There is always Twitter to display our snarky hot takes, Facebook to enumerate and demarcate the boundaries of our tribe. Instagram for our fantasy life come true. 

But is it really any different - from the high school clubs joined to get into a better college, the clothes we wear to also signal our status and subculture. Social media gets a lot of blame for perpetuating our inauthenticity, but we’re we ever really “authentic” in the first place. Then again who are we if not our aspirations and our fantasies - that liminal angst between being and becoming, the shortcomings we hope to overcome. 

March 21, 2021

March 21, 2021 

I got vaccinated last week, this week. It seems the vaccinations are working their way through the people I know. It’s happening, perhaps not as quickly as I’d like, but it seems progress is being made. 

Already I see conflicts between the haves and have-nots. A food thread I follow asked if people are ready to dine in. Among the answers: “ Hell no, not till I’m vaccinated” along with “Hell yes, I’ve been vaccinated.” So now we wait for everyone to catch up. 

Being in the vax camp I can gloat a bit, and spin fantasies of dinner parties with my vaxed friends. But the vaccination is just the first step. There’s a waiting period for your body’ immune response - first signs at 2 weeks, recommendations to stay isolated for at least another 28 days and a full 56 days till the vaccine has its maximum effect. 

While all this happens many households are split and so have to wait till the last person is vaccinated before they can think about such trivial things as dinner parties. So we’re in this odd place where one looks to their “COVID 19” as a welcome increase in BMI perhaps qualifying them for an earlier tier, all our ailments are welcome now to get us through this transition. Let’s get through this one health crisis first.

February 17, 2021

February 17, 2021 

Loss. It’s a feeling of loss. You might say grief, but it’s not as deep as that. Melancholy? Sure, but maybe with a touch of regret - or is it resentment? Both are certainly present, whether or not they’re in this particular mix. 

Today is my mother’s Birthday, which now occurs 3 days after the anniversary of her death. She would have been 93 - closing in on that century mark. Is she even of this time anymore? 

This morning Françoise Cactus, from the band Stereo Total passed away. Age 57 - 2 years my junior - breast cancer. Stereo Total is the band I always made sure to see whenever they were in town - which seemed to be every couple of years. The duo had a niche popularity, playing the clubs not the ballrooms or stadiums - with their stripped down instruments barely a step up from street musicians. They toyed with genres, had a quirky sense of humor, and they were best seen live. I was looking forward to seeing them again, convincing more friends to join me in my fandom. 

The pandemic put things on pause - but not everything. Lives went on despite their truncated experiences. Business have closed that will never come back, other illnesses progressed, entropy continued and the time that would be spent with other events, concerts, readings, or adventures was spent waiting, sheltering in place, mostly isolated. This is the loss I felt today, the erosion of time, getting older with nothing to show for it. 

Spending the evening listening to Stereo Total I have to remember the flip side - to experience loss you must have something first to lose. I’m grateful for the music, the joy it makes me feel - even today. I’m grateful for all the artists, musicians, performers who have added so much to my life. I’m grateful for my friends who have shared in so many adventures, connections, and experiences. Gratitude balances the melancholy.

January 23, 2021

The last day of my 58th year - the night before steeped in talk of mortality, how we have honored the dead, how we hope ourselves will be honored, or remembered, the absurdity the transience of life where the tragic can transform instantly to the comedic and the quickly back again. One step closer. 

Today, it was partaking in one of those rituals of remembrance, this one for my mom, sharing one of her favorite things, a fondu with friends. A long slow dinner party preparing intimate bites between sips and stories. To my friends this is now a ritual associated with me, to my mom this was a ritual associated with her sister. A monument in practice, a tradition perhaps, but one that evolves with each iteration. 

Tonight the conversation continues with no agenda but to connect with each other, to be present in the moment. Memento Vivere - the future will come regardles

January 22, 2021

January 22, 2021 

A crow visited the backyard this morning. I’ve been putting out peanuts for the Jays for some time now. They call to me when they want to be fed, and on a few occasions, I’ve caught them peeking into the bedroom window to see if I’m there. A squirrel has learned of our routine and often waits behind the foliage of the wall, before claiming his share. But this morning a crow showed up. 

Lisa heard his call first, thinking it the squirrel who often chirps in protest of the dogs and cats who may be watching. It was the percussive clicking trill that Miyazaki forest creatures make - and crows. He was perched on a strand of fairy lights, looking at the nuts, the surroundings - as I lifted my phone to take a picture he flew off. Perhaps I spooked him, but he now knows where we are. 

One of my goals for last year was to friend a crow. So many of my goals were left undone last year as the pandemic struck, this was more a fanciful wish. But today, a crow came to visit - messenger from Odin? A happenstance perhaps, but I take it as a sign, things are changing and the things I have been unable to accomplish seem possible again.