September 23, 2020

September 23, 2020 

We went out to dinner tonight. It wasn’t part of our plan. I mean, we might have hit a drive-thru on our way home - but this... 

And we shouldn’t have - for all the reasons: Covid, we’d already spent our food budget for the month, meals ready for us to make waiting at home. But glancing at our phones, seeing the latest, the GOP reluctance to support the concept of a peaceful transition of government? 

It seems pretty clear that there probably won’t be take-out during the coup. 

We enjoyed the new restaurant - outdoors and socially distanced. Ordered appetizers as well as desert, enjoying each bite as if it might be our last, as November will be here in a blink of the eye.

September 22, 2020

Autumn 

The first day of Fall 

Transition of the seasons 

The Equinox – when Night and Day 

Light and Dark are balanced 

There is the cycle 

There is the timeline 

One repeats 

One never looks back 

For the moment 

Mars rules the night 

Venus the morning 

Neither cares 

My days seem to repeat 

An endless monotony 

Of work, laundry, dishes 

And projects left undone 

There’s comfort in the structure 

But I’ve read enough Foucault 

The cycle is endless 

My timeline is not 

We dance 

Swaying forward and back 

The orbit contains our momentum 

Filling space with movement 

The direction doesn’t matter 

But that we choose it, does 

So once again I ask myself, 

Where do I go from here?

September 20, 2020

September 20, 2020 

I’m one who believed that Ruth Bader Ginsberg was one of our last remaining breaks to keep our nation from slipping into fascism so my emotions this weekend are of grief. I grieve for RBG, but also for a nation that I used to believe took the moral high ground (yes still reconciling with my idealized and propagandize education). It’s a loss of innocence , that we would all act in a way to uphold a moral right, that we are all inherently good. 

 I know that’s strange coming from someone who’s a quite a bit of a moral relativist, but I struggle all the time with “what is the right thing to do?” mostly I side with the existentialists, that we must create our own set of meaning and values for ourselves. I confess, occasionally I have been seduced by Nietzsche and the will to power. I see that explicitly expressed in the current administration despite it cloaking itself in Christian sackcloth. That hypocrisy troubles me. It’s inauthentic to the core Personally though, i feel both soiled and foolish for being duped - presuming that there still might be those who valued integrity. 

The social contract can only work if we all keep our word. It’s the only way to “win”’the prisoner's dilemma as an environment of distrust condemns us all. If the morality of this nation is to be the will of the strong, then we must be stronger. More so, we must also be merciless those currently in power as they’ve proven their unreliability. 

 I hope I am wrong in my pessimism and that we can somehow return to our ideals, that we can look at one another in good faith, that we are working for a common good. But I fear greater conflict is coming before we can have a conversation again.

September 16, 2020

September 16, 2020 

The days all blend as they are subsumed by routine. 

6AM - the alarm first goes off, if I got up now I could get all my morning tasks easily done before work - maybe even claim some time to read or journal 

6:45 is when I usually climb out of bed, take a few moments to fumble for my glasses and cell phone - a “quick” glance at Instagram and Facebook (if nothing major or click-provoking has happened and off to the bathroom where I take a much longer shower than I need to, prefaced with some stretches my doctors recommend. 

7:30 is usually when I emerge, get dressed, take my drugs, take another glance at the phone while I set up a podcast for a dog walk. 

8:00 is when my work day is supposed to start but I’m usually just finishing up my walk. If I was mindful the night before coffee will be ready, otherwise I prepare the pot and feed the dogs and cats. 

Somewhere between 8:15 and 8:30 is when I officially “clock in” top off my coffee and head to the office for work. I easily spend my first 30 minutes staring at my email and calendar to mentally plan my day before jotting some notes. Sometimes I’ll steal 20 minutes to update my journal - more if my phone prompts a distraction. 

Noon is when I try to break for lunch. Lately it’s tossing a salad kit from Trader Joe’s, and sitting with Lisa and the pugs for awhile. Officially my lunch is supposed to take 30 minutes but I like to take an hour and just bump my quitting time back another 30 minutes. I’d like to take a walk during this time, maybe read a chapter in a book, but this hour slips quickly by and soon it is over. 

1:00 and I’m back to work. This is usually my productive time (I am not a morning person) I try to schedule most of my meetings in the afternoon for that reason and otherwise makeup for time I’ve wasted in the morning. 

5PM is when I should call it a day, but because of my late start it’s usually 5:30 before I “clock out.” 

5:30 is “peanut happy hour” - we’ll break for a cocktail, sit in our backyard, and feed the scrub jays peanuts - or we used to - the pugs have discovered that peanuts make great treats, so we crack nuts for them - or they’ll forage what we left out for the birds in the morning. It’s still Summer so the sun is up until 7:00, so we’ll usually have another cocktail or two before sunset. 

7:30 and I’m usually in the kitchen, feeding the dogs and cats before I prep our dinner - lately a kit from Sun Basket, but when we have extra cocktails it may be retrieving the delivery from the front porch, phoning in for pizza, ramen, or tacos. 

8:30 - 9:00 and we’ve wrapped up dinner. I’ll take some time to do the dishes, and if I remember prep some coffee for the next day. I might squeeze in a random chore, put some laundry away, take out some trash - but mostly these things are saved for the weekend. 

9:30 and it’s the late night dog walk. I’ll listen to a podcast, catch some Pokémon and if I’m lucky, take a moment to note the position of the planet planets, or the phase of moon. 

10:00 and it’s really too late to start anything. Maybe we’ll watch an episode of something? We started the Mandalorian recently, but mostly it’s back to the phones and Instagram or Facebook. I might try to read an ebook chapter, or compose another diary entry. Lately there is a lot of eye rolling over the latest political blunder or shared sighs of exasperation at the current disaster, death toll, or ignorant remark. 

11:30 and it’s time for bed, though sometime we’ll linger beyond midnight if something caught our attention or we just can’t sleep. 

This is how most days play out with slight variation. The day is filled and yet so empty. There were similar routines before, they emerge so easily. Most of my aspirations await the weekend, when everything is disrupted - including my plans. I know everyone else has their routines, and honestly I’d like to hear about them, how everyone else cycles through the day finding both comfort and restriction in their rhythms. Sunrise sunset.

September 15, 2020

September 15, 2020 

In my dog walk tonight, I looked up an easily saw Jupiter in the night sky. It has been days since I’ve seen anything but smoke and a cherry red sun. More than that, the smoke and ash did a number on my sinuses, sneezing, coughing, eyes watering - allergies or Covid? 

 In these times you can’t take chances. To be sick is one thing, to get others sick something else - despite the certainty of the fires and their effect on the air, I stayed home to wait it out. Tonight though, seeing Jupiter, planet of luck and abundance I felt the tides have shifted for me. 

 Of course, seeing Jove - I knew Saturn was also nearby and I could also make out that faint dot - Saturn/Cronus, father of the Gods who consumed them as they were born, yet also a planet signifying wealth if not cruelty. Perhaps this is a time of cruel abundance, profit to be made from misfortune - or acts of cruelty to be perpetrated in response to our fears. I am happy to see the planets again, but I worry about what might be next on the horizon.

September 11, 2020

September 11, 2020 

I took my car in for service today. A couple weeks ago when I was moving my car to avoid a street sweeping ticket - the only reason I get in my car these days - I got the “service due” message. This week, the message read “service overdue” so I made the appointment. 

It’s wild that a thing once so much a part of my daily life has transformed itself into a minor nuisance. I spend hundreds of dollars each month to maintain it, and for months all I do is move it back and forth across the street. For a while I did load up the trunk with old printers, batteries, and other eWaste but I finally dumped that stuff. 

Perhaps some day I’ll commute again? 

But seriously, I’m still on the same tank of gas I had in March, before the pandemic struck. I haven’t washed the car because - well, I haven’t needed any gas. Besides that, with the fire it’s getting wrapped in a thickening blanket of ash. It reminds me of how ancient cities eventually disappear under the steady accumulation of dust. My car slowly becoming part of antiquity - an artifact of different times.

September 8, 2020

September 8, 2020 

Yellow skies again 

Fires still burning 

While snow starts to fall 

Labor Day turns back to a day of labor and I pretend to work gazing into my unopened emails. There are meetings - and I take illegible notes that I’ll decipher over tomorrow’s coffee. My to-do list grows. 

I think about sending notes to my friends, to let them know I’m still thinking of them - I fear we are growing ap I don’t want too get used to this but I fear I am. New routines and rhythms have already been adopted - I need to make sure they include the the things I keep overlooking. 

Slowly I am making progress. I’m a patient man but my impatience wares on me - so I look for the small victories I can celebrate everyday. There will always be more I could have done, but to do something, anything to move me forward needs to be acknowledged. Progress can happen, like the wildflowers growing in the garden - unnoticed till they all start to bloom. The roots are taking hold

September 7, 2020

September 7, 2020 

Woke up this morning to yellow skies. The heatwave has broken and a breeze has set in, but along with the comfort of cooler temps it has also brought the ash and soot or neighboring wild fires. I had thought this might be a day I could sit outdoors again, but instead it’s just another version of apocalypse. 

A quiet day for me, a chance to read some more, catch up on podcasts - but the fires are still burning and threaten people we know, so we keep refreshing the feeds, hoping for containment, or more encouraging news. But like everything else, we can only wait.

September 7, 2020

September 7, 2020 

1AM - just back from a dog walk. Finally temps below 80 so the pugs can take it. Now home, settled in after some treats and they’re ready to call it a day. 

I finished another book today - the Plague, which I started before at the beginning of the pandemic. Part of me Wants to say that now that I finally finished, the pandemic itself can come to an end. The book itself is uncannily timely and the observations spot on from how people react to their personal evolutions through fear, fatigue, and desire. I can only imagine how our own aftermaths will unfold from adulation to a continuing grief. We’ll all be marked for certain. 

Meanwhile as we sheltered in AC to avoid the 105+ temps outside, I took on the task of trying to recreate a cocktail of bourbon, pomegranate, and lemon - delightfully fresh aperitif with a velvety finish - I think I’ve got close, so another win for the day. 

I’ve been making a conscious effort to focus on what I accomplish each day, before I take a look at the unchecked items of my to-do list. When I start there, I feel like Sisyphus watching the rock roll down the hill and feel either resentment or despair - or both. I wonder if I’ve passed my point of wallowing, now that I seem to be getting a few things done - or I’ve just adjusted my expectations to reflect what I really can do? Regardless, I’m feeling better at the moment - so I’ll take that while it lasts.

September 5, 2020

September 5, 2020 

Hot day and supposed to be hotter tomorrow - and yet I was surprisingly productive. Perhaps it was knowing it would be way to hot to do any of the garden tasks on my to do list, but I took advantage of our AC and took on our laundry room pantry which has been accumulating clutter since well before Covid. I’ve also joined a friend’s “Fly Lady” inspired Facebook group and accepted the fact that our housekeeper may never return. 

One of our friends is also spending the weekend with us, no AC of his own and living inland the heat is much more brutal. Unfortunately, I fear my clutter project has made me a poor host. Through we agreed in advance that we would all have our projects to work on, we haven’t seen our friend in months. Fortunately the bulk of my project is done so we can take a little more time for conversation for the rest of the long weekend. 

I suppose this all increases our exposure risk, but that ship has sailed as we occupy the same interior space and hold up together in our air conditioned home - we’re not going anywhere else.

September 2, 2020

September 2, 2020 

Last night we were finally going to start the mandalorian and take advantage of our Disney+ subscription, but we realized we hadn’t seen episode 9 yet, so watched that instead. 

We’ve been going to bed to Audiobooks of Norse and Greek myths so this fit right in in a Bruno Bettelheim way. I was struck by how heavy handed the good versus evil narrative of the Star Wars universe is. Whereas in mythology the gods are fickle, capricious, deeply flawed self serving agents who live in a world beyond good and evil, in Star Wars, the villains are creatures of pure evil only dwelling in fear, hate, and occasional performative acts of loyalty. Thankfully the “good” in this narrative at least display human flaws (if only to underscore that is an essential part of being “good,” 

I find evil villains of this sort perplexing - I mean, say they “win” and have ultimate world/galaxy/universe domination - what do they do in the following day? Have a beer? Hang out with friends? Yell at the neighbor kids? - All things they could do regardless . I suppose one could invoke the will to power as a driving motivation, the desire to dominate, to be alpha prime - but isn’t that another form of inauthentic living? After fighting to have to have power, you then are forced to spend your remaining days being paranoid about loosing it, until one way or another - the heat death of The universe - you ultimately do. I guess you get to make people suffer along the way to force them to acknowledge your power, but isn’t that then a weakness? A strength only possessed when witnessed by all of humanity? I dunno, perhaps Palpatine would have had a more satisfying life experiencing existential dread instead of the force.