May 31, 2020

May 31, 2020 

Helicopters overhead as stores within walking distance are being looted, nowhere near where protests Took place earlier today. Fireworks echo and plums of smoke fill the air from local fires. People Complained about “safer areas home” mask requirements for Covid 19 and now we’re in a real lockdown as the National Guard deploys. 

We just bought ourselves a giant TV so we could read subtitles more comfortably and now we watch the news, pointing out the familiar places being looted and burned. We invested in our anxiety, as coverage continues we will not sleep. 

I know these fears, this discomfort pales in comparison with those with less privilege, but I’m disappointed that we got to this point where the shops and restaurants that made up my community, that suffered from Covid, now face this obstacle which may just destroy them. I knew we would never come out of this the same, but there were still parts of the community that I hoped would endure. Now I’m not so certain. I hope we find a way out of this, and I hope we can preserve the good that once existed before this. Right now, I grieve.

May 30, 2020

May 30, 2020 

What a day, I watched the Spacex launch and felt as giddy as that 8 year-old self who watched the Apollo launches. But that sandwiched between the protest and riot events, it seems anything I can say is just an embarrassing expression of my own privilege. 

We now live in a world where division is encouraged over unity. Social media monetizes our outrage and fear, so has no incentive to prevent it. We have a president who cavalierly threatens violence. Is it no wonder that we find ourselves here? 

This is what it looks like when people express their radical freedom, this is the anarchy that underlies all institutions that fail to benefit their constituents. 

No curfews yet for Long Beach, but more protests scheduled for tomorrow. This hasn’t ended yet, National Guard expected in LA tomorrow and so curfews, martial law, fear of riots are added to Covid to keep us “safe at home.”

May 26, 2020

May 26, 2020 

On Monday of Memorial Day Weekend, I finally took on the front yard as the weeds were getting some height and we’ve already had our warnings from the city. In retrospect I should have done this on Saturday or Sunday when it was cooler, but procrastination doesn’t work that way. Meanwhile the vines are reclaiming the backyard - maybe next weekend. 

Today it’s back to work, and as things open up I wonder how they’ll work. It already seems that some people feel we’re done and everything’s okay. Most of the people I know will probably continue to shelter in place for now. I have an opthamologist appointment next week, which will mark the first time a stranger will be in my face. Later that week I’ve a tentative hair appointment scheduled - more likely to occur since it will take place across county lines, but if it doesn’t - I’m getting to ponytail length so I may resurrect my look from the 90s. 

 Our neighborhood seems to have broken out the fireworks and explosives for the Summer. Fireworks are illegal in Long Beach which means nothing to the crowd who feel their rights are being infringed upon. Not to mention it’s nearly impossible to stop. Dashiell is now afraid to go out at night, and honestly I don’t blame him as skyrockets which at least leave a sparkly trail to enjoy have been replaced by window rattling explosions. Somehow I thought the current environment would suppress such things, but I guess spending time in same place just makes you want to blow shit up. Me, is just like to go have a beer somewhere.

May 23, 2020

May 23, 2020 

Started out the day with a plan to clear some of the clutter from my office. That ended up being a nostalgic detour through some of my moms papers stashed in an ancient PeeChee folder. I found old passports, immunization records, birth announcements, documents from her immigration to first Canada, then the United States, and poetry. Poems from my father that she had kept, a poem from my grandfather to my father on the sorrows of aging, a letter to my mom from a cousin all in verse. Poems meticulously typed on Onion skin paper to safely and economically make the journey overseas. Google Photos and Google lens are now helping me translate the German and I have a new project. 

Beyond that though it has me wondering about what artifacts we leave each other now? Photographs and memes, a private chat conversation, an email? The technology changes, but we all long to preserve that piece of ourselves that is uniquely us - or so we presume. Somewhere in my garage is a stash of letters I have kept from the time before email. I may find poetry there as well, another project in my future perhaps, but I really think I just want to write more and share the stories of the people I knew who can no longer tell them.

May 22, 2020

May 22, 2020 

Another week passed, has anything changed Restrictions relaxing, but it seems just the same. I finally made some progress in clearing some clutter from my work place, but I think that was spurred from speculative conversations about how we’d never return to our building - given social distancing it makes total sense - 29 floors, as many as 5,000 employees and only 2 people allowed in an elevator at anyone time. Days would be spent waiting for the elevator to go to work followed by waiting for the elevator to go home. Until those logistics change I’ll be working from home, so I better get comfortable here. 

It’s Memorial Day weekend, and I’m happy for the extra day, though honestly in the current situation will it be any different? Check in with me later and we’ll see. For the moment I’m optimistic - perhaps I’ll make a dent in that to do list, or the extra day will provide yet another reason to procrastinate, to set things aside for a time when things are better, more auspicious, or me just more desperate to get things done.

May 20, 2020

May 20, 2020

Today my work day is identical to yesterday’s. The meetings that were supposed to happen got rescheduled, so is this really a different day? It’s like the Ship of Theseus problem expressed in time - as each day gets replicated plank by plank, meeting by meeting, dog walk by dog walk isn’t it really just the same day? 

I feel I’m in a losing battle with entropy - then again, in the big picture entropy conquers us all. In Phillip K Dick’s “Do Androids Dream if Electric Sheep,” (and not in the film adaptation Bladerunner),he introduces the concept of “kipple.” Kipple is the clutter and debris that seems to spontaneously generate and accumulate in abandoned spaces. It self replicates. Case in point, we receive a package from amazon, later that day there are several empty boxes and packaging materials all over the living room. I carry it all out to the trash, only to later find a empty box from Trader Joe’s in the kitchen. I go to bed and in the morning there’s a fresh pile of boxes in the living room plus the box in the kitchen. Philip K. Dick was on to something - and you should read the book if you haven’t. And it’s not just the boxes, it’s dishes and glassware, dirty laundry - everyday the kipple advances.

May 18, 2020

May 18, 2020 

Feeling a bit better today, starting week 9? I guess? of work under quarantine/SIP - still getting into that rhythm. 

I’ve been thinking about narrative again - that our lives are predicated on the stories we construct about ourselves - and we are stuck in this place that has interrupted our narrative. It’s hard to tell which way we are heading and so unclear what to say about this moment. In the end it will be captured as a moment of reflection, coming to understand one’s purpose, taking a rest before carrying on, a moment to succumb to the seduction of indolence, a test of character, an exhausting delay. But for now we don’t quite know what this moment will be in our future stories. 

I find myself wanting to delve into Bettelheim and Jung - to dig into the primordial archetypes. The story is unfamiliar to us, but common enough if we sink back a few generations. The Spanish Flu, the Plague, all have stories to tell, stories we’ve ignored and are now living them fresh. Tales of the hubris of those believing themselves exempt from nature, tales of nihilistic abandon of those believed condemned, tales of sacrifice and survival, tales of grift and compassion. These stories are old but new to us again, ready to take on the stamp of our retelling with the details that make them our own. 

I wonder myself what story I will tell, or be told, about me in these times. I hope it’s a good one though.

May 17, 2020

May 17, 2020 

The day started out strong, though restful and lazy. But my eyes started to feel itchy, the the sinus behind my eyes started bothering me. Allergies? Dehydration? I don’t know but it kind of killed the evening for me. Drinking lots of water, taking some Benadryl hoping to feel better in the morning.

May 16, 2020

May 16, 2020 

Tonight we participated in an online cooking class sponsored by one of our local still closed restaurants. I am exhausted. Three courses prepared in around an hour, I felt constantly behind: wait what am I preparing now? Was that snap peas or English peas? Is this the herb blend - or is it the garnish? I mean there are herbs here? 

Mind you the ingredients had all been prepared in advance in all their own containers, but by the time we were finished every available inch of counter space was covered and efforts to keep courses separate failed almost immediately as we move the iPad around to find the best viewing for the moment. 

Lisa and I made a good tag team, one of us preparing one item while the other watched to capture the next steps - grabbing the 8” sauce pan, no wait the 10” leave the stove on! We need another pan! Where’s a trivet? Ultimately a variety of pots and pans covered the stove as well as the sink. 

The end results we delicious. And it was nice to take breath, and have a few bites at the table leaving the kitchen behind. We prepared much more than we could eat in one setting - tomorrow we can feast again. But I think next time we seek out a cooking class, I’ll pick something simpler - perhaps grill cheese would be a good start? 

I recall my mom watching the Galloping Gourmet on TV - I don’t remember her ever making anything along with Graham Kerr, but I do recall she always poured a glass of wine and toasted and drank along with him as he cooked - I imagine that was a drinking game played out by many a mom in the 70’s taking the edge off before the kids came home and commandeered the TV for the next after school special, and the real dinner prepared. 

But tonight we succeeded, we made the meal as shown on TV. We enjoyed the fruits of our labor. But now after (most) of the dishes are done, I’ll raise a glass to my mom and her celebrity crush and say cheers.

May 14, 2020

May 14, 2020 

I woke up this morning feeling depressed and entirely unmotivated. Two snoring pugs presses up against me and I thought it would be foolish to leave such a dog pile. But I had work, a meeting at 9:00 - which is actually plenty of time but I dreaded the process. Shower, get dressed, walk the dogs, pour some coffee, and pretend to be productive. 

I took a long hot shower. One of the joys of a tankless water heater is that it never runs out of hot water so you can stay as long as you please. They say these are good for the environment, but I know better. Sometimes my moods need a good cleaning, a power wash and steam. This was one of those mornings where I just let the water flow over me in a sort of transcendental consciousness - I could have been chanting on, but instead my brain played an ear worm medley of Jobim and Astrude Gilberto. Hot languid bossanova beats till I was ready to emerge into the silence of the house. 

My mood did shift as I slowly accepted my obligations for the day, knowing they would soon be behind me ticking off each task, each meeting, each chore. There will always be more to do, and it’s will be there again tomorrow. 

I know I get repetitious, and my thoughts tend to wallow, but it’s hard to escape it. I hope if I’m at least honest about that, I might find a path to overcome it. Nihilism is too easy, and always available - good for that downward spiral. But even if nothing matters, there is something that matters to me, if not to anyone else. That’s what I seek on days like today, and sometimes that takes shape in the sounds of bossanova in a long hot shower.

May 13, 2020

May 13, 2020 

We’ve hit the two month mark, and once again this might only be the halfway mark - but halfway to what?  

I’ve started to pair my podcast listening with my dog walks so slowly catching up on my backlog. I’ve gained the weekends, but my 2+ hours a day commute is hard to compete with. I’m still spending too much time on social media, but I’ve stopped all the refreshing of the Covid stat websites. I still look on occasion as various parties claim things are getting better, to confirm they are really getting worse. 

I haven’t finished a single book in the past two months. I saw an article about the reason it is so difficult to read now, but I only got as far as the headline. That said, poetry has caught my ear on more than a few occasions and I wonder if that’s the medium I need to explore right now - something to transcend the memes and the latest opinion piece on mask etiquette. 

Work continues to take up my productive time - not that I’m terribly productive, but after working I have a hard time getting motivated to do any of the things around the house I’d like to do. 

 I haven’t made bread, or composed a replica of a Getty artwork using toilet paper rolls, but earlier in the week I crafted a decent champagne cocktail. We all have our preferred media. Exploring the bar, I mixed some gin, absinthe, a little maraschino topped off with Prosecco - Death in the Cherry Orchard, it seemed to hit the spot. Tonight though, it’s bourbon on ice. Some days are steeped in entropy, but there are little victories on the way. Perhaps these wins will lead to clues on how the next weeks or months unfold? Or at least where the pleasure may lie.

May 12, 2020

May 12, 2020 

This morning we got a surprise visit from a friend on her way to pick up her order at the Beer Lab, our local, brewery bakery, and now general store in that old-timey sense of having supplies like flour, yeast, and rye. We briefly chatted from our porch, probably maintaining a good 20’ feet between us. It was great to see her, but also strangely awkward - no invitation to come in for a cup of coffee. No real privacy either as other people walking down the street unknowingly intruded on our conversation. It’s hard not to be able to have any intimacy with our friends. 

In the evening I walked our dogs and must have easily encountered 20 or more people, walking down the street. No more than 3 wore masks - and while I understand they aren’t required for exercise or walking dogs, fewer than half made an effort to maintain a minimum 6 foot distance as they passed me. I feel judged, but I’m also judging others. I’m resentful of the strangers who approach me, when I can’t approach my friends. 

Word is out that for us in LA County, this will likely continue through July. Seeing the numbers, I have to say that’s likely and more over the right thing to do. I’m still privileged to have my job which will probably continue through this extended confinement. However, I’m still hoping to find some opportunities, to find ways of sharing intimacy with our friends even as we remain apart.

May 11, 2020

May 11, 2020 

Away a couple days and it doesn’t seem to matter. Restrictions eased, and my behavior is no different. France also is no longer in lockdown, and my Instagram feeds from France haven’t changed much either. 

Meanwhile, I think we’ve started week 8 of whatever we have come to call this - self-isolation, quarantine, shelter in place, safe at home - and it’s getting harder to differentiate the days. Today it was work followed by an experimentation on champagne cocktails - end the day listening to Bossanova. A new batch of groceries delivered followed by a wish of having planned differently. It’s hard to be spontaneous. I have a longing for road trips and beat poetry, to leave the routine. But here we are and I remain grateful for it despite the resentment. 

I know I need to take charge of the time. There are opportunities, ways to think differently about just about everything. Instead I wait. But what am I really waiting for? A new routine, a new rhythm, A new set of expectations? Now is the time to rewrite them all and still the inertia prevails. Tomorrow, there is always tomorrow - until there isn’t.

May 8, 2020

May 8, 2020 

Today was the first easing of restrictions for Californians. Small retail is now open. Not that I went out to buy anything. The day went as many others in the past. I worked from home, had a cocktail when I finished, made dinner, walked and fed the dogs, had a video chat with friends. 

I suppose I now have a few more alternatives - book stores, for example should be open - of course amazon already killed the local bookstores I would have loved to have visited. Not sure if the library is open yet. I’m waiting for that one because in order to complete the acquisition of a library card, they have to verify my identity in person. Until I do that, I can’t access any of their online content. Meanwhile we’re exploring refinancing our house - so far every transaction has been completed with a phone call or a phone app. I guess the final paperwork will require a physical meeting, but no mention of that yet. 

This weekend we will pick up some more plants for the garden. Perhaps we’ll take a drive. I would like to see all the ships in the harbor - I hears their horns echoing across the morning clouds. I’d also like to see the bioluminescence that’s going on with the current red tide. The parking lots remain closed, but I figure there must be a way to get close enough to see it. 

More things can be open, but I’ve got my routine. Maybe when the museums and galleries return? I really miss stopping to have breakfast or a beer while going about our day - but last week we stockpiled on all the things we need and those places are way down on the list to eventually reopen. So until then, I guess we’ll keep keeping to ourselves and watch to see if the numbers rise or fall.

May 7, 2020

May 7, 2020 

Epistemology. Epistemology is a sub-genre of philosophy that concerns itself with questions about knowledge - that is how we come to know things. As a former philosophy major, this was easily one of my least favorite disciplines - sure it gave us the Scientific Method, but existentialism was just way more sexy to me. 

Last year though, I read Gloria Origgi’s “Reputation: What it is and why it Matters” which announced the death of the Information Age with that of the age of reputation. Sure science gives us the tools to come to know new things, but most of us don’t spend our days doing controlled experiments to test our hypotheses - rather we rely on trusted sources to do that vetting for us. Unfortunately that means we are now at a place where information has been politicized, we have our own trusted sources (that reinforce our beliefs) and distrusted sources which our sources discredit. 

So here we are, fundamentally divided, exasperated that the other side can’t see the truths which to us are self-evident. We don’t trust the other’s sources to be telling the truth. Ultimately we’ll fall back on that scientific method, but that doesn’t yield immediate results we can act on right away, it’s slow and deliberate by design because it’s objective is to bring us closer to truth - not necessarily what we should do right now. And while it gives us a way to predict the future, it advances when it’s predictions fail. It gives us better hindsight than foresight. In the end we’ll learn which of us was closer to the truth, but it may not matter then.

May 5, 2020

May 5, 2020 

What is it about friends - what is it that they contribute so much to ones we’ll bring and happiness? Sure there is being seen, being acknowledged - but there’s that joy of sharing - the music discovered, the cocktail experiment, the travel adventure - just the shared experience that is so much greater than the things one experiences on their own. 

Epicures, the first true hedonist knew: “Of all the things which wisdom provides to make us entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship” 

We celebrate now as we can, through zoom chats, emails, phone calls, conversations across the social distance the real connection was never something physical, and yet there is something about occupying the same space or time. We still need to be “together” in some way. Confinement has been a challenge to be sure, but it is comforting that we are finding ways around it, that we can still share our experiences, laugh at the absurdity, and remain optimistic that we’ll get together again in the bar, that club, that vacation home, or our own kitchens and living rooms where we prepare each other feasts from our discoveries. It won’t happen tomorrow, but we all know it will come.

May 4, 2020

May 4, 2020 

The best laid plans... the day to day monotony makes for them. The expectation that this day will go as the last, as that went like the one before. Sometimes there are variations - mostly by what’s been most recently completed from the to-do list but we all know that once the laundry and dishes are done, there will be more laundry and dishes to do. 

It’s the unexpected that marks the days, the things that break from the normal routine. Sometimes it can be quite awful, the death of a pet, a neighbor’s car vandalized, but sometimes it can be a delight. Today we spent our evening video conferencing with friends. Unexpected conversations made us adjust our routine. Pot stickers replaced the planned meal, that and new snacks from Trader Joe’s. The dogs didn’t get their late night walk either. But I’ll be up again at dawn, without any regrets because I love chatting with our friends, people we haven’t heard from since before Covid - continuing to catch up even as the organizers signed off to go fulfill their own obligations. There is something about these interactions, ideas shared, loving slights of self-deprecation, riffing on the concept of “murder kittens” My heart is full, and the laundry will still be waiting for me in the dryer.

May 3, 2020

May 3, 2020 

Today I was stopped in my tracks taking out the trash by a half dozen butterflies fluttering about me. Of course as anyone else in this day and age I quickly pulled out my cellphone to capture this delicate ballet and was not disappointed. The aerial dance went on and I was just another object to be circumnavigated or avoided. I was delighted and as I added this edition to my Instagram feed I couldn’t help but notice how much of my feed has become a celebration of our urban flora and fauna. 

Perhaps it’s spring. It’s hard not to notice the season’s stunning entrance with the profusion of blooms and now all these butterflies making their appearance. Perhaps it’s just that these otherwise subtle changes leap out of the monotony. Whichever it is, I can’t deny that noticing these things delight me and being me pleasure. An extension of gratitude I suppose, an acknowledgement of lives conducted independent, parallel, and indifferent to my own.

May 2, 2020

May 2, 2020 

Some days it seems like you can only get one thing done. Today it was shopping. Gone are the days when you could pick everything up in one place, or just drop in to pick something up. This is now an all day campaign. Suiting up with mask and gloves - now add hat, because chances are you’ll be standing out in the sun for awhile before you even get to a store. 

Our strategy is to start with the big box store - if they have something, they’ll have it in abundance so you may as well stock up in hopes you won’t have to go back for at least a month. Then there’s Trader Joe’s - we know they can fill our basic needs ( including snacks and liquor) but so does everyone else. The good thing about Trader Joe’s now though, is even if there’s a line snaking around the building - if there’s a parking space you’ll get in and out quicker than pre-Covid Trader Joe’s. 

The challenge then, is the specialty items. Do we need to pick up prescriptions at CVS? Condensed milk for that key lime pie? Or for heaven's sake did we really run out of Angostura bitters again? Did we really make that many Manhattans? 

At the end - should we not abandon the quest on the way - we start to think about take-out as it’s now close to dinner time and the weeds are still in the garden and the clothes remain unlaundered. Tomorrow’s another day - at least we got the shopping done. Mostly.

May 1, 2020

May 1,  2020 

Last night’s Walpurgis Nacht celebration began with margaritas - which for some reason are one of my most potent of cocktails (should I ever offer one, decline - unless you are prepared to stay the night) - and followed with Kirschwasser as I felt I needed something more culturally appropriate. Needless to say after a few great zoom chats, Houseparties, and IM’s I was done for the day - that honestly needed to be a pre-covid Friday. 

So work this morning was a slow start - mostly due to resentment though rather than any ill feelings. 

But May Day - a day mostly ignored in the US, but full of pagan erotic fertility, communist gender display, and celebration of the working class. Today we had protestors not marching for better working conditions, pay, or healthcare - rather protests for the consumer class, the desire to buy things and make themselves more desirable, to go to the beach and be free from the consequences of their actions. To stay in denial, that the world has not changed. But the world is constantly changing whether we accept it or not and those who can adapt to the change better suited than those who resist. We’ve a long way to settle, to find where the change takes us. May we all be better off in the May Days to come.