Ennui - that’s where I am today, following my routine, pretending everything is normal while wondering why I can’t take some of this time, this isolation, and make something more of it. At the core I’m still really a hedonist and it seems each and every pleasure is slowly being drained away. Early this week I realized that one of the main things I liked my job is its location downtown, where I could visit museums at lunch, check out the swanky new bars and restaurants, and just walk among the buildings. Now I walk the dogs and my commute takes me from our kitchen down the hall to our studio - grabbing a handful of M&Ms on the way. Even See’s Candy has shut down.
Lisa took a drive to run errands today. I would have joined her, but I had a “meeting”/conference call. She got to drive along the Palos Verdes peninsula, gaze out to the sea - but she couldn’t stop anywhere - the parks and public ways are now all closed. There’s a beautiful world out there but for the moment we have to keep driving. No stopping. No indulging. Only the essentials.
I’m not cut out to be a stoic or a Buddhist, I long for my attachments, my pleasures, my indulgences - it’s how I find meaning, choosing that cup of coffee. I’m sure there are some creative solutions it’s just I still lack the motivation to discover or pursue them. So for today - Ennui.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment